This Is My Love Life, These Are My Friends

The following digital conversation took place after I txted my friend (we'll call him "pal") the long and awkward story about how, yet again, I metaphorically threw up on the new shoes of a crush I've had my eye on for the last two months (and who I unfortunately probably won't see again, but not due to the metaphorical barf)...

[conclusion of story, which cannot be repeated on a public blog]  

PAL: Haha, oh no, I'm sorry.

ME: It's probably best I don't date anyway given my pathetic handling of a crush. Haha.

PAL: Oh stop it. It's funny! Plus it's basic romantic comedy formula. Cute awkwardness + uncomfortable situations = long term successful relationships.

ME: Oh trust. I think that ALL THE TIME with my horrible, yet endearing, awkwardness. I'm like a walking romantic comedy waiting to happen. BUT IT NEVER DOES. Instead I get a painful independent dark comedy about a loser.

PAL: Well lucky for you, painful independent films are Ryan Gosling's specialty.

ME: Hey good point, pal. I've just got to reach rock bottom, then I'll meet Ryan Gosling, then the movie will end before we even get a chance to fall in love. But the important thing is I met Ryan Gosling.

PAL: Or you'll both die, or he'll kill your retarded brother, or he'll fall in love with a mannequin.

ME: Or he'll be a sociopath car driver who rides off into the sunset. The options are endless!

PAL: This is definitely a win win win.

Even though my dating life is less cute-pathetic like Liz Lemon's and more sad-pathetic like Tiny Furniture (which is not at all as charming as the preview makes it), I have to feel pretty lucky to have the sorts of friends that build up my completely unrealistic confidence with Ryan Gosling movie references.

peace,
k.

My Blog is Awesome!

You know you've arrived to the blogger big times when searches like these lead 4 (actually probably only 2) people to your blog:

But don't worry, just because I've reached ultimate blogger readership/awesomeness, it doesn't mean I've lost touch with what really makes this blog shine. It's all about the personal touch, folks.

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Dear person(s) looking curtain fixatives for a glass wall,

Thank you for visiting my blog! I suspect, since you have glass walls in your house, that you're probably rich and famous and quite possibly a movie star. In fact, I think it's probably safe to assume you're Angelina Jolie. I hope you enjoyed your stay here at my blog, Angie! Can't say I'm a big fan of your movies, but hey, can't win 'em all, right? Brad is a great actor, though! Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't help you with your curtain problem in one of my previous posts, but I'd like to now offer my expert opinion on the matter.

Duct tape.

With duct tape, you can attach anything to anything, even a curtain rod to glass! At first, if it doesn't seem to work, just add more duct tape. Not only will duct tape not fail, but it also comes in a variety of colors and designs, so you'll be able to change it out as you update your interiors (What else are you gonna do with your money, right? Haha, poor people, the suckers!).

Your fixative expert,
RobotBanjo

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Dear (possibly foreign) love lorn person/75 year old grandma,

You have, indeed, come to the right place for fantastic relationships advice! I'd like to point you in the direction of my various dating posts as I think you'll find a lot of wonderful information to meet you needs. But for a more direct answer to your google search, look no further as I'm about to answer it...

"I'm into you" is a delightful expression I never hear, but exists for attractive people. It means there is some level of interest from one human being for another, usually regarding the need to breed with that person, and doesn't necessarily reflect readiness for prolonged commitment (although it sometimes is a byproduct). If someone has told you "I'm into you", congratulations! It means you're attractive enough to breed with and possibly commit to!

But a word of caution, you will probably never hear "I'm not into you". Unfortunately this opposing dating ritual manifests itself non-verbally in rude actions usually excused as absent mindedness. If your potential mate seems to be dropping the ball and not showing consistent interest, you can assume he/she is not into you.

Your dating expert,
RobotBanjo

- - -

Until next time, beloved googlers!

peace,
k.

Annoying Part of Dating #52,189

APoD #52,189: Not being able to tell the truth.

(This applies to both men* and women**)

If I were in charge of the dating world...

ME: Oh hey so and so! We've been hanging out for a while now, and I'm into you! I also sorta get the feeling you're into me too?
GUY: Why YES, I am into you! At last we can combine our awesomeness into a rad boyfriend/girlfriend deal! Hooray for communication!
ME: Go team!
(And they dated happily ever after without drama. The end.)

OR

GUY: Why NO, I'm NOT into you! Let's continue being friends as if we never had this conversation!
ME: Sounds good! Just thought I'd ask! We cool!
(And they lived happily ever after as pals with no weirdness. The end.)


Instead, REALITY is more like this...

ME: Oh hey so and so! So, uh, (trying to be as smooth as possible) I guess I just wanted to let you know... uh... I kind of like you, no-big-deal-or-anything. Any chance it's reciprocated?
AWKWARD PAUSE: I'm being super awkward!
GUY: Of course I like you! You're the coolest girl I've ever met!
ME: Awesome. Let's just take it slow and see how things go!
GUY: You're a poet and you didn't even know it! You really are the whole package!
(The guy is actually lying about liking me, me being the coolest girl they've ever met, AND me being a poet. He therefore, in his web of lies, starts being weird, terminates friendship, and treats me like a leper. The end.)

*sigh*

Why is being honest so terrible? So what if I want to tell you that I'm into you? Or that I cried sobbed while watching an American Tale a few months ago? Or that I have a irrational repulsion to certain textures of bald heads? It all sounds pretty reasonable to me.

*Just kidding! Guys can get away with being honest up until they're married.
**Hot women don't apply. They can be batshit crazy and still be datable.

Desires

Today in relief society we talked about... wait for it...

MARRIAGE!

Well, the lesson wasn't actually about marriage, but because we are all 20-something-single-mormon-females it HAS to be about marriage or we'd all forget that we want to be married AND THEN WHO WOULD PROVIDE THE CASSEROLES TO WARD FUNCTIONS!?

Anyway, the lesson was really about desires (to be married). At the beginning of the class we were all asked to take out a piece of paper and write down what our desires in life are (who we want to become, what is most important to us, etc).

I did not hesitate.

And then I drew a picture.

Why yes, that IS me slaying zombies while riding my trusty elephant!

With all my problems with the whole singles-ward-marriage-prep-talk thing aside, this lesson really did get me thinking about my desires in life AND marriage. I'm a pretty focused and goal achieving person anyway (read: doesn't have a dating life), but it's always good to list things out and give them air to breathe. So, here you go...

Life Desires

Teach photography in foreign places.

Live in a few different countries.

Visit every continent.

Know at least one other language fluently.

Be an excellent cook.

Laugh everyday. Make others laugh everyday.

Take an important photograph.

Treat my body with respect.

Grow a successful garden and share all the produce with my neighbors. 

Enjoy others.

Serve unselfishly.

Bask in others' happiness.

Adopt children.

Create home.

Live a life for others using my own unique self and talents. 

Be remembered for something good.

Marriage Desires
Pretty much everything from my life desires list, but with a cool teammate who has a list of their own that they want me to be apart of.

I'd say that I'm aligning my life in the way that will help me achieve all the things on my life desires list, the only problem is that darn marriage desires list. Unfortunately I've yet to find any guy resembling that. So, if any of you see him, point me in that direction. (He's probably just been too busy slaying zombies to notice his cute help meet over here.)


peace,
k.

15 Dating Tips from Mr. M

1. Don't contact the girl until 6:00pm on the Saturday night you are supposed to take her out after not talking to her for almost 2 weeks. This will keep her on her toes and show your great skills with spontaneity and communication.

2. When you do call, let her know you're making yourself a sandwich and that she should do the same so she's not hungry on the date. Also let her know you have nothing planned. Don't worry, she would probably have nothing better to do than "nothing" with you on a Saturday night.

3. Call her back 10 minutes later asking if she wants to go to the dollar theater to see A: a movie she's already seen but didn't enjoy that much, or B: a movie that she hasn't seen but has wanted to. Pick A. Tell her you'll pick her up in 45 minutes.

4. Take a nap, then let the girl know via txt that you are going to be an hour late picking her up because you fell asleep. At this point, tell her to dress warmly. She will think instead of falling asleep you planned something more fun than a dollar movie she has already seen and didn't enjoy that much. Why else would she need to dress warmly, right?

5. Pick her up and proceed to take her to Barnes & Nobel for hot chocolate.

6. Don't ever explain why you wanted her to dress warmly. She will think you're... mysterious.

7. Wander around B&N for a while. This will bring up great topics of conversation like how un-funny you think her favorite author is Douglas Adams, how stupid you think some of her favorite books are (even though you've never read them), and how "Christiany" you think that idiot C.S. Lewis was. It's fun to make your date feel silly and inferior for her choice in literature.

8. Also tell her that sometimes the most important key to being a Mormon is blending into the culture, not knowing the doctrine.

9. After B&N, "spontaneously" (?) go to the dollar theater movie she has already seen and didn't enjoy it that much. Nevermind that you lost track of time/didn't tell her you were still going and now you'll be 10 minutes late to a Saturday night movie.

10. To keep it classy, don't laugh at any of the funny jokes in the movie, only the mediocre one about farts. When you do laugh about the farts, laugh really, really loud.

11. Open the shining beacon of light that is your cell phone at least a few times during the movie.

12. After the movie is over, drop the girl off at the curb in front of her house. Tell her you had an amazing time and that you think you really connected.

13. A week later, txt the girl wondering if she wants to go out again (and by "go out" you mean go to a singles ward dinner), but let her know this time she'll have to drive herself. When she declines your generous offer, say as many rude things as you can within 3, 160 character txt messages.

14. A few weeks later after you notice the girl deleted you from facebook, call and apologize. Beg to make it up to her and explain that you were just having a really stressful time with life (never mind that she had just found out about her brother's returning cancer at this same time). Tell her you'll call her in a week when you get back from vacation.

15. Never call the girl again.


peace,
k.

25 Dating Tips From Mr. K

1. Talk to her all though class. Write silly notes back and forth and make up names and stories for all the people in the room.

2. Be utterly charming and stand out in the freezing January cold for 2 hours just to talk to her a little longer.

3. Find out her number and txt her about how you bought the book she mentioned in your last conversation, and how you're really excited to read it.

4. Tell your mutual friends that you are really excited to be hanging out with her lately.

5. Have conversations with her that seem to last for days. Never without a dull moment, and always full of happy feelings afterwords.

6. Understand each other's bruised hearts because you've both been engaged to people you weren't fully in love with, and you both have had your hearts completely broken by the people you did love.

7. Every time you see each other, laugh together. Genuinely and whole heartedly.

8. Three words: Zombie. Movie. Night. (Complete with disgusting treats!)

9. Tell her how happy she makes you. How different she is. How glad you are that she exists.

10. Console her when her brother's cancer returns; worse than ever and requiring surgery and chemo.

11. Tell her you think you're falling for her harder than the girl that you loved more than anyone (but who married someone else).

12. When you're happiest, start getting a little distant.

13. Reassure her that you have just been busy when she tries to give you space.

14. Plan a special date, and tell her you'll meet her right after she gets done visiting her brother in the hospital. But then tell her it's been a hard day for you and you'd rather just keep it low-key by getting fast food and watching a movie together.

15. Tell the girl that you want to make up having to cancel your awesome date for a low-key night in (she didn't mind), and that you're going to blow her mind with what you have planned. Tell her you're going to pick her up at 6:00pm.

16. Never pick her up and never call her as to why, leaving her completely heartbroken and confused.

17. Eventually txt her late the next day, begging for forgiveness. When the girl gives you a free pass out of the date, and tries to understand that this relationship is probably too stressful at the moment for you, you promise another date... one that would be even better than the last.

18. Break those plans last minute.

19. She tells you that you probably need to figure yourself out, but you tell her you truly care about her and want to prove it.

20. You never call again.

21. And then you stop going to class.

22. And then you become strangers once again.

23. And then after months of absence in each other's lives: show up with your new beautiful arm candy, and treat her like a old acquaintance you once knew in a vague sort of way. You joke without skipping a beat, and she laughs out of courtesy.

24. She actually laughed because your humor is still compatible as it always was. And you laughed back. She wishes you could just be friends again, but she's sort of scared to trust you.

25. After all, she isn't, and will never be, worth a simple apology.


peace,
k.

I Wanna Be A Princess

Another day in the singles ward means another day talking about marriage...

I've never been one for the whole disney thing (I know, I know, how dare I even call myself a female Mormon from Utah). I've been to Disneyland twice -- once when I was too short but very old enough to ride the rides, and once when I had the flu AND my then boyfriend broke up with me via text message. Obviously both were really, really, great experiences. Even beyond Disneyland, I'm just not much for the whole princess delusion. I'm sorry, but I don't get it. 

That being said, I think these princesses have it spot on when it comes to love. Think about it, which disney princess doesn't live happily ever after? None, dear readers, none. Sounds like we all need to take a moment to freshen up our dating skills from these inspiring role models. 

peace,

k.

17 Dating Tips From Mr. I

1. When you ask the girl what you should do for the date, don't accept any of her suggestions. Instead, tell her that her ideas are stupid because your brother said so.


2. Do not tell her you don't own a car. You can still be baller by asking the girl to drive herself to your brother's apartment and then walk 2 miles to your date location at 3:00pm on a July afternoon. This works especially well after she has been moving boxes and furniture all day and she kindly requests something relaxing to do.

3. Make sure your brother has the nickname “Boston” that he insists on everyone using even though you both grew up in New Hampshire in a town not actually close to Boston. It's a lot cooler when you tell chicks you grew up in Boston. Especially if you have Justin Bieber hair and now how to hold an unplugged electric guitar.

4. On your walk, tell the girl magical facts about the obscure history of your tiny hometown in New Hampshire. The longer the history lesson, the better. You have 2 miles of walking after all, and who doesn't love to know intricate details about the cousin's friend of the guy who first sneezed in the colonies?

5. If there are sprinklers hitting half of the sidewalk, save yourself. If you move over, you might get wet like her. 

6. Impress her with your vast knowledge about the way water magnifies on grass when lawns are watered in the middle of the day. This is an incredibly impressive factoid that no common man knows, and it should take up at least 15 minutes of walking time. 

7. DO NOT let the girl talk and DO NOT ask her about herself. Chicks like a dude in control. 

8. Start a lot of sentences that come across super deep, but never finish them. 

9. When you arrive to your date location, don't have a plan and then wander around for a few minutes. Finally insist on getting drinks because you're personally dying of thirst. The girl actually suggested getting drinks at the air conditioned cafe up the street 20 minutes ago, but just disregard that. 

10. Make the girl pay for your $6 drink because you don't want to get money out of the ATM 15 feet away. This will help you come across as fiscally smart. 

11. Complain about your $6 drink. It will help you come across as classy. 

12. Spend a total of 15 minutes, drink included, at your date location. 

13. On your 2 mile walk back to your house in 99 degree weather, throw out statements like "oh boy, I'm pretty rebellious" so she'll ask you more about it. When she doesn't, tell her the story anyway. Like the one about you speeding, getting pulled over by an antisemitic cop who instantly pulled a gun on you, your subsequent arrest and night spent in jail makes you sound super manly. She'll believe every word. 

14. Reveal that you graduated in political science and currently live in DC. This will make you sound academic. The fact that you live in your parent's basement and work part time at J. Crew is irrelevant. 

15. Let her know you're only working at J. Crew because the army is full of a bunch of idiots that won't take you in the reserves. But, the CIA offered you a job that you're still waiting to hear back about. Let her know it's classified and you've already told her too much. She will think your fly like James Bond. 

16. When you finally get back to her car at your brother's apartment, keep talking. Her haste to unlock her car has nothing to do with her wanting the night to be over. She is really feeling it by now. 

17. In your final and closing speech, let her know that you'll probably never see each other again, but it's times like these that change people forever. 

Peace,

k.

11 Real Dating Tips From Mr. R

1. A good date always begins with a guilt trip. Her being sick with a virus from Africa is NOT a good reason to not go out with you.

2. Keep that guilt trip up for a good 2 days until she finally gives in.

3. Wear a button up shirt with the top button buttoned so you look like you're choking to death. It's also a good idea to where tall socks with sandals and shorts. This ensemble will make it apparent that you go to BYU, which Mormon chicks always like.

4. If you suspect she has any doubt about you going to BYU, talk about your mission to Italy the entire date.

5. Forget that she's been to Italy herself recently so the mystique of a foreign country doesn't impress her in the way it impresses those who have never been out of Utah.

6. When not talking about your mission, ask really good questions like “Do you like music?”. When she returns the question, answer with “Yeah, pretty much everything on the radio.”

7. Let her know that your favorite movie EVER is The Best Two Years.

8. Also mention your love for BYU sports and belittle her knowledge about the topic because she's a girl. 

9. Two words: Air. Drumming. Chicks dig it. Do as much as you can. Especially when stopped at red lights.

10. Throw in judgmental quips about gays, non-mormons, and people who watch rated R movies. They usually deserve the same harsh criticisms as serial rapists and baby killers.

11. When you drop her off at her house, invite her to a game night your ward is having for linger longer on Sunday.

Peace,

k.