17 Dating Tips From Mr. I

1. When you ask the girl what you should do for the date, don't accept any of her suggestions. Instead, tell her that her ideas are stupid because your brother said so.


2. Do not tell her you don't own a car. You can still be baller by asking the girl to drive herself to your brother's apartment and then walk 2 miles to your date location at 3:00pm on a July afternoon. This works especially well after she has been moving boxes and furniture all day and she kindly requests something relaxing to do.

3. Make sure your brother has the nickname “Boston” that he insists on everyone using even though you both grew up in New Hampshire in a town not actually close to Boston. It's a lot cooler when you tell chicks you grew up in Boston. Especially if you have Justin Bieber hair and now how to hold an unplugged electric guitar.

4. On your walk, tell the girl magical facts about the obscure history of your tiny hometown in New Hampshire. The longer the history lesson, the better. You have 2 miles of walking after all, and who doesn't love to know intricate details about the cousin's friend of the guy who first sneezed in the colonies?

5. If there are sprinklers hitting half of the sidewalk, save yourself. If you move over, you might get wet like her. 

6. Impress her with your vast knowledge about the way water magnifies on grass when lawns are watered in the middle of the day. This is an incredibly impressive factoid that no common man knows, and it should take up at least 15 minutes of walking time. 

7. DO NOT let the girl talk and DO NOT ask her about herself. Chicks like a dude in control. 

8. Start a lot of sentences that come across super deep, but never finish them. 

9. When you arrive to your date location, don't have a plan and then wander around for a few minutes. Finally insist on getting drinks because you're personally dying of thirst. The girl actually suggested getting drinks at the air conditioned cafe up the street 20 minutes ago, but just disregard that. 

10. Make the girl pay for your $6 drink because you don't want to get money out of the ATM 15 feet away. This will help you come across as fiscally smart. 

11. Complain about your $6 drink. It will help you come across as classy. 

12. Spend a total of 15 minutes, drink included, at your date location. 

13. On your 2 mile walk back to your house in 99 degree weather, throw out statements like "oh boy, I'm pretty rebellious" so she'll ask you more about it. When she doesn't, tell her the story anyway. Like the one about you speeding, getting pulled over by an antisemitic cop who instantly pulled a gun on you, your subsequent arrest and night spent in jail makes you sound super manly. She'll believe every word. 

14. Reveal that you graduated in political science and currently live in DC. This will make you sound academic. The fact that you live in your parent's basement and work part time at J. Crew is irrelevant. 

15. Let her know you're only working at J. Crew because the army is full of a bunch of idiots that won't take you in the reserves. But, the CIA offered you a job that you're still waiting to hear back about. Let her know it's classified and you've already told her too much. She will think your fly like James Bond. 

16. When you finally get back to her car at your brother's apartment, keep talking. Her haste to unlock her car has nothing to do with her wanting the night to be over. She is really feeling it by now. 

17. In your final and closing speech, let her know that you'll probably never see each other again, but it's times like these that change people forever. 

Peace,

k.