Trends I Can Do Without

Ok, before you read further, just know that I'm all for people expressing themselves through their clothing. It's cool, I get it, I'm not a fashionista, blah blah blah, don't be offended. BUT, the extinction of these things might actually save all the East Coasters from hurricane Irene. For realsies. Think about it.

1. Jumpsuits. (*sigh*) There is maybe .001% of the female population that doesn't look totally stupid in one of these, and those few ladies could probably pull off a dead tuna. They aren't feminine, flattering, or classy. This is the outfit your future kids will make fun of you for wearing.

2. Man-tanks. Maybe fun at the beach but gross anywhere else. I mean look at this dude wearing it. "Hi, my name is Storm. Wanna go back to my parent's basement, open a six pack of blue ribbon, and get tantric-freaky?"

3. Non-perscription glasses. Look, if you want to be all bold with your glasses choice, have at it. But for the love of everything, actually have a prescription in those glasses. I've had to nerd it up with real glasses since the third grade. I've put in my dues! Perfect-sighted people need to step off and stick to their sunglasses.

4. Except these. But then, you ask, what would all the douches wear while they sell pest control and alarm systems? If a drunk tool obnoxiously yells out his window at people while driving, and other tools aren't there to see it through their vision impairing frames, did that tool really make a sound? One of life's mysteries, people.

5. Intervention time. I know I'll probably make the whole of Utah Valley show up at my door tonight with torches and pitchforks for this one but I've just got to get it off my chest... STOP PUTTING THESE MAMMOTH FLOWERS ON YOUR NEW BABY'S HEADS. Babies are so devastatingly sweet on their own, why would you ever overwhelm them with giant neon flowers that were trendy for about 5 seconds?! Little girls with cute flower hair accessories = adorable. Newborn babies with gaudy fabric flowers bigger than their heads = tacky.

Now that I've lost my entire blog-stalker base (love you), I'm going to get back to some editing! It's what I do on a Friday night, baby!

peace,
k.

15 Dating Tips from Mr. M

1. Don't contact the girl until 6:00pm on the Saturday night you are supposed to take her out after not talking to her for almost 2 weeks. This will keep her on her toes and show your great skills with spontaneity and communication.

2. When you do call, let her know you're making yourself a sandwich and that she should do the same so she's not hungry on the date. Also let her know you have nothing planned. Don't worry, she would probably have nothing better to do than "nothing" with you on a Saturday night.

3. Call her back 10 minutes later asking if she wants to go to the dollar theater to see A: a movie she's already seen but didn't enjoy that much, or B: a movie that she hasn't seen but has wanted to. Pick A. Tell her you'll pick her up in 45 minutes.

4. Take a nap, then let the girl know via txt that you are going to be an hour late picking her up because you fell asleep. At this point, tell her to dress warmly. She will think instead of falling asleep you planned something more fun than a dollar movie she has already seen and didn't enjoy that much. Why else would she need to dress warmly, right?

5. Pick her up and proceed to take her to Barnes & Nobel for hot chocolate.

6. Don't ever explain why you wanted her to dress warmly. She will think you're... mysterious.

7. Wander around B&N for a while. This will bring up great topics of conversation like how un-funny you think her favorite author is Douglas Adams, how stupid you think some of her favorite books are (even though you've never read them), and how "Christiany" you think that idiot C.S. Lewis was. It's fun to make your date feel silly and inferior for her choice in literature.

8. Also tell her that sometimes the most important key to being a Mormon is blending into the culture, not knowing the doctrine.

9. After B&N, "spontaneously" (?) go to the dollar theater movie she has already seen and didn't enjoy it that much. Nevermind that you lost track of time/didn't tell her you were still going and now you'll be 10 minutes late to a Saturday night movie.

10. To keep it classy, don't laugh at any of the funny jokes in the movie, only the mediocre one about farts. When you do laugh about the farts, laugh really, really loud.

11. Open the shining beacon of light that is your cell phone at least a few times during the movie.

12. After the movie is over, drop the girl off at the curb in front of her house. Tell her you had an amazing time and that you think you really connected.

13. A week later, txt the girl wondering if she wants to go out again (and by "go out" you mean go to a singles ward dinner), but let her know this time she'll have to drive herself. When she declines your generous offer, say as many rude things as you can within 3, 160 character txt messages.

14. A few weeks later after you notice the girl deleted you from facebook, call and apologize. Beg to make it up to her and explain that you were just having a really stressful time with life (never mind that she had just found out about her brother's returning cancer at this same time). Tell her you'll call her in a week when you get back from vacation.

15. Never call the girl again.


peace,
k.

My Abusive Relationship With Celebrity Gossip

The day so far went a little something like this.

I woke up about 2:30am in the inferno that is my upstairs bedroom. I opened the window to let the luke warm musty summer air from outside intermingle with the humid death air from inside. I hoped that if they liked each other enough they'd decide to move in together and eventually, due to summer musty's incompetence with birth control, they'd make a freezing little love child named air conditioning.

Unfortunately my wish did not come to pass.

I did something sort of close to sleep, but not unlike melting, for the next 6 hours until I officially got up to finish my final paper for my english class which ends today. I finished, and because it's always an extremely satisfying feeling to be done with a class, I rewarded myself with a little news site perusing. One headline that seemed to be on all the sites was something about "Doug Hutchison married 16 Year-Old Girlfriend".

Now, I'm not one for celebrity gossip, but I'm always appalled at myself for how much gossip I know. I don't find enjoyment in stalking famous people, and yet I seem to unknowingly do a lot of stalking. I never buy entertainment magazines or watch entertainment television but I can still easily tell you most recent gossip stories. The most disgusting part is, I'm actually terrible with most pop-culture! I don't know who a lot of famous people are or why they're famous, but it doesn't stop me from knowing intimate details about their history with eating disorders. It's one thing to admire an artist and learn about their fascinating life, it's another to have no idea who a person is and still commonly know their life story. Is it because the celebrity phenomena is like a train wreck and you can't look away? Or possibly I'm simply another shallow American with a sad and boring life so I must find others to revel in? Either way, I deserve to be shot.

Anyway, of course I was intrigued by this headline (damn you, journalists) and read the story. Although I don't know who Doug Hutchison is, I know he's 51 and he married a 16 year old in Vegas. My initial gag reflex was normal, but part of me found it MAYBE justifiable. I don't think age should be giant factor when one is in love, but then again, to maritally love a teenage anything is stupid. Our brains are in a constant state of change in our teen and young adult years and we can't have a solid idea of who we are until this growth is complete. To marry someone that young is just asking for trouble, but WHAT IF she really was this remarkable women. What if it really is true love?

Then I found this video of Doug's "16 year old" bride...

...

...

...let it sink in...

...

...so... this is a joke, right? I mean don't get me wrong, more power to ending cyber bullying and all, but... really? This video makes me want to cyber bully kittens and baby penguins. I REALLY want to give people the benefit of the doubt and I'm all about the peace, love, and harmony thing but I kind of hate my life when I see this. How does she exist? How is she getting married?! How has someone not sat her down and very sternly told her to look at what she's doing to actual 16 year olds? How did she miss all the social cues in childhood that prevent people from becoming like this? I'm at a loss. I guess it goes to show that no matter how horrible someone is, as long as your a hot chick it doesn't matter. Way to go, America.

I also found this very well produced music video by her.

I miss Rebecca Black.


Peace,
k.