15 Dating Tips from Mr. M

1. Don't contact the girl until 6:00pm on the Saturday night you are supposed to take her out after not talking to her for almost 2 weeks. This will keep her on her toes and show your great skills with spontaneity and communication.

2. When you do call, let her know you're making yourself a sandwich and that she should do the same so she's not hungry on the date. Also let her know you have nothing planned. Don't worry, she would probably have nothing better to do than "nothing" with you on a Saturday night.

3. Call her back 10 minutes later asking if she wants to go to the dollar theater to see A: a movie she's already seen but didn't enjoy that much, or B: a movie that she hasn't seen but has wanted to. Pick A. Tell her you'll pick her up in 45 minutes.

4. Take a nap, then let the girl know via txt that you are going to be an hour late picking her up because you fell asleep. At this point, tell her to dress warmly. She will think instead of falling asleep you planned something more fun than a dollar movie she has already seen and didn't enjoy that much. Why else would she need to dress warmly, right?

5. Pick her up and proceed to take her to Barnes & Nobel for hot chocolate.

6. Don't ever explain why you wanted her to dress warmly. She will think you're... mysterious.

7. Wander around B&N for a while. This will bring up great topics of conversation like how un-funny you think her favorite author is Douglas Adams, how stupid you think some of her favorite books are (even though you've never read them), and how "Christiany" you think that idiot C.S. Lewis was. It's fun to make your date feel silly and inferior for her choice in literature.

8. Also tell her that sometimes the most important key to being a Mormon is blending into the culture, not knowing the doctrine.

9. After B&N, "spontaneously" (?) go to the dollar theater movie she has already seen and didn't enjoy it that much. Nevermind that you lost track of time/didn't tell her you were still going and now you'll be 10 minutes late to a Saturday night movie.

10. To keep it classy, don't laugh at any of the funny jokes in the movie, only the mediocre one about farts. When you do laugh about the farts, laugh really, really loud.

11. Open the shining beacon of light that is your cell phone at least a few times during the movie.

12. After the movie is over, drop the girl off at the curb in front of her house. Tell her you had an amazing time and that you think you really connected.

13. A week later, txt the girl wondering if she wants to go out again (and by "go out" you mean go to a singles ward dinner), but let her know this time she'll have to drive herself. When she declines your generous offer, say as many rude things as you can within 3, 160 character txt messages.

14. A few weeks later after you notice the girl deleted you from facebook, call and apologize. Beg to make it up to her and explain that you were just having a really stressful time with life (never mind that she had just found out about her brother's returning cancer at this same time). Tell her you'll call her in a week when you get back from vacation.

15. Never call the girl again.


peace,
k.

Nuclear Dating, or, Welcome to Provo

As some of you cute little stalkers know, I just moved into a new house. Said house happens to reside about 4 blocks from BYU campus in Provo, Utah. Because of the proximity of my house to breed 'em young university, it's a law that my roommates and I MUST talk about dating and boys at least 80% of the time (the other 20% is left for trading sewing secrets and swapping casserole recipes). If we don't, we risk the chance of either 1.) dying or 2.) not marrying before we turn 27, which is as good as dying in these parts. 

To help us not be one of those poor unfortunate souls who has to ENDURE being single in their 30's (the horrors!!), I found a little video that can help benefit us all. Please be prepared with a paper and pencil to take notes.

Does anyone else find it hilarious and/or horrifying and/or outrageously endearing that 1950's dating videos are EXACTLY like Utah-Mormon dating in 2011?

peace,
k.

11 Real Dating Tips From Mr. R

1. A good date always begins with a guilt trip. Her being sick with a virus from Africa is NOT a good reason to not go out with you.

2. Keep that guilt trip up for a good 2 days until she finally gives in.

3. Wear a button up shirt with the top button buttoned so you look like you're choking to death. It's also a good idea to where tall socks with sandals and shorts. This ensemble will make it apparent that you go to BYU, which Mormon chicks always like.

4. If you suspect she has any doubt about you going to BYU, talk about your mission to Italy the entire date.

5. Forget that she's been to Italy herself recently so the mystique of a foreign country doesn't impress her in the way it impresses those who have never been out of Utah.

6. When not talking about your mission, ask really good questions like “Do you like music?”. When she returns the question, answer with “Yeah, pretty much everything on the radio.”

7. Let her know that your favorite movie EVER is The Best Two Years.

8. Also mention your love for BYU sports and belittle her knowledge about the topic because she's a girl. 

9. Two words: Air. Drumming. Chicks dig it. Do as much as you can. Especially when stopped at red lights.

10. Throw in judgmental quips about gays, non-mormons, and people who watch rated R movies. They usually deserve the same harsh criticisms as serial rapists and baby killers.

11. When you drop her off at her house, invite her to a game night your ward is having for linger longer on Sunday.

Peace,

k.