15 Dating Tips from Mr. M

1. Don't contact the girl until 6:00pm on the Saturday night you are supposed to take her out after not talking to her for almost 2 weeks. This will keep her on her toes and show your great skills with spontaneity and communication.

2. When you do call, let her know you're making yourself a sandwich and that she should do the same so she's not hungry on the date. Also let her know you have nothing planned. Don't worry, she would probably have nothing better to do than "nothing" with you on a Saturday night.

3. Call her back 10 minutes later asking if she wants to go to the dollar theater to see A: a movie she's already seen but didn't enjoy that much, or B: a movie that she hasn't seen but has wanted to. Pick A. Tell her you'll pick her up in 45 minutes.

4. Take a nap, then let the girl know via txt that you are going to be an hour late picking her up because you fell asleep. At this point, tell her to dress warmly. She will think instead of falling asleep you planned something more fun than a dollar movie she has already seen and didn't enjoy that much. Why else would she need to dress warmly, right?

5. Pick her up and proceed to take her to Barnes & Nobel for hot chocolate.

6. Don't ever explain why you wanted her to dress warmly. She will think you're... mysterious.

7. Wander around B&N for a while. This will bring up great topics of conversation like how un-funny you think her favorite author is Douglas Adams, how stupid you think some of her favorite books are (even though you've never read them), and how "Christiany" you think that idiot C.S. Lewis was. It's fun to make your date feel silly and inferior for her choice in literature.

8. Also tell her that sometimes the most important key to being a Mormon is blending into the culture, not knowing the doctrine.

9. After B&N, "spontaneously" (?) go to the dollar theater movie she has already seen and didn't enjoy it that much. Nevermind that you lost track of time/didn't tell her you were still going and now you'll be 10 minutes late to a Saturday night movie.

10. To keep it classy, don't laugh at any of the funny jokes in the movie, only the mediocre one about farts. When you do laugh about the farts, laugh really, really loud.

11. Open the shining beacon of light that is your cell phone at least a few times during the movie.

12. After the movie is over, drop the girl off at the curb in front of her house. Tell her you had an amazing time and that you think you really connected.

13. A week later, txt the girl wondering if she wants to go out again (and by "go out" you mean go to a singles ward dinner), but let her know this time she'll have to drive herself. When she declines your generous offer, say as many rude things as you can within 3, 160 character txt messages.

14. A few weeks later after you notice the girl deleted you from facebook, call and apologize. Beg to make it up to her and explain that you were just having a really stressful time with life (never mind that she had just found out about her brother's returning cancer at this same time). Tell her you'll call her in a week when you get back from vacation.

15. Never call the girl again.


peace,
k.