A Perfect Day

A few days ago Alex, in the cancer-induced discomforts of dehydration, expressed that all he'd like to do is float around the Lazy River at Seven Peaks. Although the idea seemed refreshing, it was hard to believe it would ever happen. Seven Peaks doesn't open until Memorial Day weekend, and we all knew it was very possible we'd be holding his funeral, and not frolicking at a water park, during that time. Yet, my sister set out to Facebook to see what she could find. Luckily, our friend Raven knew someone who knew someone who put us in contact with the general manager who gave it all systems go.

Seven Peaks opened up just for us; a small group of siblings, friends, and Alex's hospice nurse Luke. They gave us tubes, had lifeguards on hand (one was even a photographer and took pictures for us with my camera), gave Alex a sweet party gift, and could not have been more accommodating the entire time.

For nearly two and a half hours we floated around and around the Lazy River. We even rode The Vortex (picture a ride much like a toilet bowl). I was worried a water slide might hurt Alex's already sore body, to which he replied "well, I'm dying in a couple days anyway, what's the worst that can happen?".

While we relaxed in the smooth water under a hot and cloudless sky, it was hard to believe there was anything wrong with Alex, the world, anything. Time felt as invincible as the endless summer days of our childhood, before terminal and cancer were commonplace in our vocabularies. Seeing Alex outside, clinging to a tube and cracking jokes, almost made me forget about the sleepless nights emptying puke buckets, the countless hours spent in the chemo ward, the horror of watching someone you love writhe in pain, and the inevitable death that is still coming despite over 2 years of heavy medical interventions.

When we eventually returned to my parent's house, we all went down into the entertainment room where Alex sleeps, turned off all the lights, and turned on Sigur Ros's new album Valtari. We looked at pictures from the day and just sat, soaking in the delicious sounds in the darkness.

It was perfect.

peace,
k.

Back to Utah

I don't have a lot of time to blog, but here is a wee update:

Thanks to the most amazing workplace ever, I'm back in Utah to spend time with Alex for as long as I need. This was an insanely huge blessing and took a mammoth weight off my shoulders. My sister and I were talking yesterday, and we both agreed it was harder to watch someone die then to help someone die. Being away from my family during this profound life change was devastating. To feel useless and like a bystander was the worst feeling I've ever had, especially when I knew how overwhelmed my family at home was feeling. Although the last day and a half has been physically and mentally draining, I'm so, so, so thankful to be here.

More to come...

peace,
k.
 

I'm Not Ready Yet

This is it. Alex is living out the last days of his life.

Although I'm thankful I happened to be in Utah last weekend for some shoots, I'm sadly back in Wyoming until his funeral (although I'm trying to get back sooner). Saying goodbye Monday morning broke my heart into a billion little pieces which have yet to even begin to find their way back together.

It's happening. We all knew it would, and yet I still don't feel prepared. I'm not ready yet.

I'm not ready to never again see his stupid little jigs during Sunday afternoon croquet. I'm not ready to never again hear his loud voice going on about Radiohead or some movie he wants me to check out on Netflix (which he always gives me a spoiler for). I'm not ready to never again reminisce big fish tales about our childhoods and the shenanigans we got ourselves into. I'm not ready to never again argue about which gate our flight is leaving out of. I'm not ready to never again feel his arms wrap around me in a giant annoying hug bomb. 

Heaven might be nice, but I'm not ready to never again experience the imperfections of this mortal life with him.

Life, nor death, will ever wait until you're ready... so I'm desperately thankful for the precious time I had been given to have adventures with Al. I hope you can find some good mountains to climb on the other side, brother.

peace,
k.

Intellectual Crushes

From the blogger that brought you her type, character crushes, and girl crushes, comes the next (and possibly most important) category: the intellectual crush.

Intellectual crushes are men I want to find myself sitting next to at a lodge in the middle of Africa, casually beginning to converse, and before we know it we've stayed up all night in deep philosophical conversation and subsequently run off to Moldova together forever. Or... something like that. Basically they're dudes I'm in love with for their fascinating thinking abilities above all else.

Nerd alert.

Ira Glass

Host of This American Life and best storyteller of our day.

Neil Gaiman

Imaginative writer with an incredible voice.

Damien Rice

"Your mouth, your mouth, your mind."

Jamie Oliver

Home boy cooks the way I like it, unconventional and a little messy.

Steve Martin
I know, I know. Odd choice, perhaps? I submit that it is not.
He's wicked clever and he plays the banjo. What more could a girl want?
(And yes he's old enough to be my grandfather, so let's pretend
for the sake of creepiness he's more age appropriate.)

Banksy
Street artist and director of Exit Through the Gift Shop, the documentary
that explains perfectly how I feel about the photography industry in Utah. 

Who are your nerdy little intellectual crushes?

peace, 

k.

OH WYO

People were baffled when I told them I was moving to Wyoming for the summer, so I'd quickly add that I was moving to Jackson Hole, which is more like Park City and less like whatever they were thinking. (After all, the great Han Solo himself lives here, so it can't be too bad right?)

Well, I've been here about a week and a half and I must say... I'm absolutely and utterly loving it.

I live with my wonderful cousins (and their three awesome kids) about a half mile from downtown Jackson. I work at the most fabulous gourmet cooking store that specializes in face meltingly delicious oils, vinegars, and spices (as well as wine, spirits, and liqueurs that I know absolutely nothing about). And get this, the singles ward is full of completely... normal people. I know, I know. I can barely wrap my head around it. I mean, the summer is still young so there's a chance some weirdies can still come in and weird it up, but so far people are pretty darn cool. In fact, everyone in Jackson seems pretty darn cool. People are so genuinely kind and friendly here, it's quite refreshing. I'm really looking forward to life here this summer.

Aaand, in other news, I painted my nails the other day. Bam.

peace,
k.

Little Bird

Before I really got into photography, I dabbled in a little bit-o-filmmakin'. This is the first project I've directed, shot, and edited since high school (and unfortunately it shows), BUT their cover will simply knock your socks off.

Without further ado, I now present my brother and friend covering "Little Bird" by Lisa Hannigan. Enjoy!

peace,
k.

Post Meridiem Reflecting

Tonight has been one of those raining-outside-contemplating-life-inside sort of nights.

Death. Faith. Loyalty. Old friendships. 

My birthday is in two months. I wonder if Alex will be around to see me turn 24? It's becoming so real now. I can conceptualize him not being here to see my future, but I can't wrap my head around him being gone for my present. What day is it going to truly hit that this is the beginning of the end?

Where does reason end and faith begin? Is reason the antithesis of faith, and if so, why? And where does seeking truth fit in? "Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth." 2 Timothy 3:7

Why can't men have close friends who are women? Are women so sexualized in our culture that we cease to hold any value when a man is in a romantic relationship with a different woman? I'm tired of not mattering to friends as soon as they start dating someone.

In the last couple of months I've rekindled some old friendships that were lost for one reason or another. It's been really beautiful. What a blessing they have been. 

peace,
k.