How To Be Sick

I don't get sick too often, so when I do get sick I become the most useless human being on the planet. Here is a checklist so you can be a useless human being too.

Do the following while periodically coughing like a 80 year old chain smoker.

1. Wake up from your death sleep around 9:06am when your pillow decides it's done being comfortable.
2. Look around for the heard of elephants that must have trampled your head during the night.
3. Find no elephants, but instead find that you nose is rapidly turning into liquid. Locate tissue.
4. Weigh the pros and cons of navigating yourself out of bed, and then remember how selfish your pillow is being. Your bladder also decides it's going to be high maintenance and requires you to relieve it. 
5. In the bathroom mirror, instead of finding your reflection, you find a hideous monster's. Think about fixing hair and/or face for a maximum of 10 seconds and then decide hygiene is too hard.
6. Go to the kitchen, make yourself an Emergen-C drink. Your 10th in the last 24 hours.
7. Apologize to your poor liver. 
8. Go back to room and set up camp on your bed. 
9. It's good to mention here that your "bed" is also the floor. But not just any floor-- it's the floor on the inside of a cute wooden bed frame. After a month and a half of living in your new place, you have yet to buy a mattress. 
10. Check email. And by "check email" I mean Facebook stalk until it tuckers you out and you have to lay back down. This should be appox. 3 minutes. 
11. When hungry, curse yesterday's version of you for not getting groceries. Whine to older brother via text about your imminent death by head cold starvation. 
12. When brother fails (like "I'm at work" is a good excuse), whine to older sister via Facebook.
13. When sister agrees to bring you sustenance, feel guilty. Order soup from the glorious Chinese delivery place instead.
14. Develop a passionate love for the vegetabley wonton soup delivered to you 20 minutes later. Write songs and poetry about it. Nothing has ever been so wonderful. Miss it desperately when it's gone.
15. Lay with your freezing body wrapped up in a quilt while your inferno head rests un-pillowed on the beautifully cold hardwood floor of your bed.
16. Don't go to math class. It would probably kill you.
17. Watch Winters Bone on Netflix and covet how cold everything looks in the movie. Especially the dead body in the water.
18. Have the outrageous urge for milk and cookies. This urge is the most powerful thing you've ever felt in your life. You've never wanted, nay, needed anything more in your life than cookies and milk. RIGHT. NOW.
19. Again, curse yesterday's version of you for not getting groceries. Not that you ever regularly buy milk OR cookies anyway, but maybe you would have.
20. Keep thinking about milk and cookies. 
21. Milk and cookies.
22. Milk.
23. Cookies.
24. Need.
25. *sigh*
26. Mourn your lack of milk and cookies.
27. Decide to get at least a little bit of work done. Edit photos for about 7 minutes until your brain feels like exploding again. 
28. Write a useless blog post about being sick.
29. Never stop thinking about milk and cookies.

peace,
k.